“Hi Sarah. I have a strange situation. My partner works away 6 months of the year, month on, month off. We met on tinder a few years ago, he lives 2 hours away. Now we’re looking at buying a house and firstly we were looking half way. Now he solely wants to live in his home city and expects me to move, away from my family but 5 minutes from his. Like there’s no such thing as a compromise. What should I do? I told him to buy a house on his own and I want no part in it… but is that right? Do I deserve better? His parents are also very controlling and want him to live nearby.”
thank you for your message and sharing more about your current situation – relationships aren’t always easy but they are so worth it when you have found the right person.
Firstly, I want to say it’s totally normal to experience times where you might question each others decision making, especially when it comes to big mile stone moves. In your case, it’s quite literally a house move.
I would recommend in the first instance that you consider living together on a more permanent basis before a house purchase. There are many factors I consider when suggesting this such as you both being in consistent close proximity to each other, learning more about one another and learning how to share each others space. When you do this you learn lots about how you communicate, your love languages, how you make each other happy and what it is that pushes your buttons (if anything) when living month on and month off you might find yourself in a cycle of romance and anxiety when reconnecting and going away and you’ll want to find a way to be in a consistent groove with each other in regards to living together so you are certain its a good co-habitation fit.
With regards to moving in together I would recommend renting in the first instance for a short period, trying out new areas for you both to live. Perhaps you can rent for a short space of time in one area and a short space of time in another area for you both to get a feel for what feels good and right for you both. Ultimately, if one party isn’t willing to compromise on something so significant then it quietly speaks volumes about how and if they are willing to compromise on other things outside of the issue in question.
Purchasing a house is a big decision and one that should be exciting for you both. As with relationships, compromising on how to make this happen is a massive part of the process for both. Compromise in a loving relationship shouldn’t have to feel like sacrifice, if it does then you both need to dig deeper into what it is that you both want and if you find yourself on the same page. Being on the same page for your wants and goals is important so you both know you’re moving forward in the right direction, even if you aren’t on the same page right now. At least then you know you will both get there with the end goal in sight.
In a romantic relationship that is set to run the distance two people both need to feel seen, heard, understood and loved – no matter the topic of conversation or how difficult that conversation is to have.
It sounds to me like you are hearing him, listening, and understanding. You should ask yourself the question if you feel seen, heard, understood, loved, and valued and if the answer is yes then you’ll be able to figure out all the next steps together.
Sarah Louise Ryan & Team TDC
Dating & Relationship Expert / Matchmaker / Love Life Coach