Dear Sarah,

I find it hard to write an introductory message that gets a response. I read profiles and try to include things that have been mentioned in them, yet still my messages go unanswered.

Do you have any tips for resolving this?

Thank you .
– James

Hey there,

Thank you so much for your question. It’s a really good one and sits in the common thread of questions that come up around online dating and apps so thanks for reaching out. 

First and foremost, I would say that depending on what platforms you use, let’s say apps for example, not everyone has the same intentions as you. It would serve any modern dater well to know this. Some people hop onto apps swiping left right and up and down with zero intention of meeting someone (this can be conscious or subconscious) because the hits of dopamine they receive when they successfully ‘match’ is quite simply enough for them. On apps you’re often dealing with quantity in matches moreover quality in connection and it’s important to remind yourself of this – but you will find a few gems in there if you follow the next steps. 

What you write in YOUR bio matters. You want to sieve out those who aren’t engaged or suitable for you as well as, of course, attract the right people to you too who have the same wants as you want. How do you do this? 

Well, you can be direct and tell them exactly what it is you’re looking for “someone to travel the world with” or “looking for a partner in crime / best friend” or maybe you want to get rid of time wasters “seeking a life partner, not a pen pal” You can be as direct or subtle as you want as long as you make your intentions clear. You can also consider asking a question that requires an answer. Or, if you’re looking for someone to engage with you say what you are attracted to “confidence, assertiveness and someone who knows what they want” It’s all about the language that you use that will draw the right kinds of people into you for matching and conversation. 

Other than the picking out what you liked in their profiles, make sure you do not ask them how their day is going or how their year is going so far. These messages arrived in peoples inboxes on apps or via websites in the truck load. Stand out from the crowd and ask about the most exciting thing they’ve done so far this year or top three learnings from 2020 but keep it light and tell them that you’ve learned XYZ and try and throw in something fun to make them engage and connect. You must always remember that the beginning stages of dating should always be fun – friendship turns into romantic connection which, in turn, can develop into love. 

If you don’t get a response, I would not be shy to double message – another thing that would make you stand out from the crowd. I know you might hear otherwise from other dating coaches but it really is a matter of catching someone at the right time and in the right place when they receive one of many messages in online dating. You can keep it fun by saying “Just wanted to pop myself on the top of your mass of messages, I have no doubt that you’re inundated ;)” This shows confidence, you can save it and use it as a go to if there is a profile you really connect with but you’re not quite getting a response – this will work, trust me. Flattery will often get you everywhere, as they say. 

Finally, make sure your language in text, bio and photos all have enough for them to grip onto in conversation. Essentially, in modern dating, singles are chatting to strangers and connecting online with people they literally have never met and no matter how wonderful that person is, for some people it is still quite daunting. 

If there is anything you would like me to take a closer look at and you feel you want to deep dive into to set you’d dating profile or online dating comms up for success this year, don’t hesitate to reach out. Email: 

Thanks for dropping your question over – I know so many have the same question too!


Sarah Louise Ryan x
Relationship Expert
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