I’m 54, I’ve been living with my partner for 20 years, for most of that time it’s been a non physical relationship and for the last 4 years nothing at all. I’m lonely and miserable in this so I work all hours to distract myself and she has a horse which she focuses her time on. I remember being single in my 30s which was a nightmare as although I found it easy to go on dates I hardly ever wanted to go on a second date as they generally seemed slightly mad/odd etc and I feel I settled as I was lonely. I don’t have any family and hate being on my own, how do I meet available women that aren’t crazy, hung up on exes, gold diggers, or incapable of loyalty and are just kind and non aggressive? Is it too much to ask? I want to make a change as I’ve had enough.
– Steve, Guildford Surrey
Thank you for your message. It’s not entirely clear from your message if you are currently single and navigating the path to connection again or considering becoming single because your relationship isn’t serving you right now as it once did. With that said, I will try my best to answer your question…
My first thought is to tread gently and not to rush into anything physical or emotional straight away. Start the path as a single practicing self-love and getting to know yourself without being in a partnership. Jumping into a new connection straight away without fully knowing and figuring out who you are and what you want won’t serve you in the long run.
Further to that, you may not have settled but it’s important to know that people grow together or they grow apart and 20 years is a long time to be with someone. It will, as you know, take a lot of communication, conflict and resolution techniques and connection physically, emotionally and conversationally. If for the latter end of your relationship you feel you drifted apart in regards to physical intimacy it is always about so much more than just sex. It’s a breakdown in communication at some point along the way where two people have clearly struggled to find their way back to each other authentically, honestly and vulnerably to maintain that spark of desire. It takes two to tango and that’s about communication that leads to physical connection.
If you would like to start meeting people on your wavelength again I would suggest starting by getting clear on your core values, your wants for communication and connection and the lifestyle you would like to build in a relationship. Then, make sure you’re doing things in your personal life that set your soul on fire – what I mean by that is when you are fully happy, content and fulfilled and meeting someone is an added bonus to your life you will feel so much more connected to each date and each person you meet, there will be less pressure.
There are so many incredible people out there in the world who are single and available, independent and not codependent, who are happy fulfilled and looking for a fulfilling relationship – it sounds to me that you just haven’t been looking in the right places. I would recommend quality dating sites such as this, matchmaking agencies that are credible and high quality events on your wavelength as a good starting point. If you are going to consider swiping apps for dating for ease, then make sure you write really comprehensive and forthright profiles that are positive and portray the most authentic version of you – you will only then receive matches who feel aligned with you of higher quality than if you write something short and not so multi-layered.
I really hope that helps you and I wish you the best of luck as you start your journey to meeting like-minded singles again.
If you need me for any more dating advice or coaching sessions as you pave the way to partnering between my agony aunt column for Old Style Dating, you can catch me over at www.lovelessonsglobal.com – I’m always happy to help singles navigate the search for love again, however it looks.
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